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Reign of Dumb Monsters

A couple of nights ago, AMC was playing Reign of Fire. I’d never watched it in the theatre because I thought the premise was ridiculous. And after I watched it, I still thought the premise was ridiculous. I mean, I understand the need to suspend disbelief. I’ll allow that dragons can exist in present day. But there’s something wrong with the premise when the dragons were dug up not only fully grown but fully awake!

Like seriously, they can’t have survived for thousands of years much less millions without eating. Do you know how much they have to eat before they can sleep that long? You know how fat they’d have to be? And not only that, they eat ash? ASH?! Ash that has no nutritional value whatsoever? Has no fat content so they can’t even gain any weight? How are they supposed to hibernate on a diet of burnt up junk?

And they were hiding in a dark little cavern underground? Really. How is that evolutionarily viable? And even if it was, why would they have millions of babies after they’d gotten out? Wipe out the whole world while they’re at it. So they can only live like 10 years above ground before they start eating each other and going into hibernation back in that dank little hole they came out of? They have to hide for a thousand more years because they ate everything in sight. Doesn’t seem like an adequate existence.

Ok, so beyond that, how do these dragons survive getting hit by missiles that can track their targets?! Because you know, every country in the world used as much of their millitary might as possible and they still couldn’t defeat these things. Can these dragons fly faster than our fighter jets? And yet. AND YET! Matthew McConaughey’s crazy ass took down a dragon with a harpoon? I bet he got powerups for being shirtless.

No wonder people hate fantasy movies! They don’t make sense!!

Originally published at Samantha Ling. You can comment here or there.

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November 2013


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